I get it. I may have to add a warning to some of these stories. That said, if you were unable to keep your dinner down while reading this, I'm happy to lend you Banjo for cleanup.
Oh Norm. What a nightmare. And I say this with deep empathy, as someone who has walked this path (though it was Pollack-inspired cat-diarrhea art by our robot vacuum, not basset hound, but the canvas was over 1,000 sq feet of hardwood floor). As someone who regularly fosters stray animals that invariably bring a wide assortment of parasitic infections that create the terrible 'paint' in which Banjos and robot vacuums take delight, you have my deepest respect for having endured this and still written it up as a comedic tale for others to enjoy.
My son, while still in high school, had friends over to my new house for a party while I was out for the evening. When I returned home, he was vacuuming in the bathroom around the bathtub where the floor was covered in red carpet. "What happened?" I asked, and his friends headed in different directions away from me. "My buddy drank too much and got sick so I'm trying to clean it up." OMG! Yes, with my new vacuum in my two week old house that I just had built. I couldn't even explain to him why a vacuum was the worst possible item to clean the floor in this situation! It was strangely humorous...but mostly disgusting. Thank God I had been out and had a few drinks myself, so most of the funny probably saved my son's life that night.
Banjo! What was he thinking? Or not thinking. I hope you can laugh about it now-- along with your readers. True dog humor.
I think something similar happened to my friend who once watched our springer spaniel when we went out of town. Diane had 2 "foofy" dogs (petite and dainty.) When we picked up Apollo Diane mentioned a rainy, muddy day and that Apollo went outside, squeezing thru the foofy doggy door and when he came back inside, thru the doggy door, he ran around the house excitedly. As Diane explained it to me, "I forgot he was a spaniel."
My youngest got a dog a few months ago. Unfortunately, the dog currently has a parasite infection, which means he's pooping and barfing all over the place. As my son put it, when you walk a dog in NYC, you have no idea if your dog just sniffed a pile of leaves or scarfed down three cigarette butts.
In closing, I'm glad I'm not him and even gladder I'm not you.
Honestly, I was racking my brain. I had the memory, my friends and me in the 5th grade at Wild Rivers, trying to hold onto a water weenie. Every time we lost the grip and it slipped onto the concrete, we laughed like we were at a Richard Pryor set. I couldn't remember what it was called... First, the weenie slips, then your mind.
Note: Whoever owns Water Weenie, consider this a copyright on that last sentence--you know it would make those weenies fly off the shelves...er, out of the Amazon warehouses.
I loved this you have the best way of painting your words with pictures, which is a real talent and so appreciated. This took me away from reality for enough time that I almost feel human again, until I realize I'm still in this same dark cloud that won't let me go. Thanks for shining the light thru the darkness. I'm sitting at my computer in Cincinnati, looking into the freezing tundra and slippery snow drifts built like igloos all around me. This story actually made me feel colder and I realize the computer room is the coldest in this house. It always takes me a few hours to thaw out when I try to stand and head for the kitchen or anywhere inside that is at least 10 degrees warmer than the computer room. Now I feel like I need a hot bath to take away some of the ice flowing in my body, along with the smell that came from your story. Thanks, Norm, for all of this. It is a great distraction and reminds me things could be worse than me heading for a fire while you are trying to stay away from one. God Bless, my friend.
Love this one! I mostly love it because it wasn't happening to me, which it usually does. My Pom just had a bout of something that led to uncontrolable wall painting and a stench that could end wars.
I really love it because it had me laughing out loud, and in a NYC subway that can be dangerous. However, it all worked out, everybody thought I was bat-shit crazy and wanted to be my friend. So, Win/Win.
“Here comes stupid” should absolutely be the name of your next best seller! Love this story. Your pain was palpable. Glad ya’ll survived my friend. Way to man up Sammers.
Ooh, that's rough. I've heard it takes weeks to get the skunk smell under control. And a Dane is so big, I'd imagine it's a lot more surface area for absorbing the odor.
Yep and valuable lesson don’t wash the old towels you use just throw them away lol my whole laundry room smelled like skunk after I washed the towels in warm water. lol!
I laughed so much I forgot I have problems! Your pets have the best names outside of a Walter Mosley novel. I'm considering getting some kind of animal just so I can name it Pastrami Crawford. Thanks for the laughs!
Ooh, I haven't read any Walter Mosley. I'll add him to the queue. Also, please name an animal Pastrami Crawford! That would be a joy bomb for me. And I hope the laughs not only made you forget your problems but watered them down altogether.
Perfectly wonderful! Just what I needed on this evening before the Darkness! Thank you!
Don't let the bastards get you down, Linda! :)
I'm so sorry I was out of town...but this is comedy gold. Laughed out loud the entire time!
That's what I do--I turn tragic shit into comedy gold. It's a bizarre sort of alchemy.
That's the last time I try to read your column while eating dinner.
I get it. I may have to add a warning to some of these stories. That said, if you were unable to keep your dinner down while reading this, I'm happy to lend you Banjo for cleanup.
Thanks, but I have two mess machines of my own here at home.
“They usually teabag his water bowl…”
Some of your best work so far!
My name is Norman T. Leonard, and I support this message.
Agree! That was a classic!
Oh Norm. What a nightmare. And I say this with deep empathy, as someone who has walked this path (though it was Pollack-inspired cat-diarrhea art by our robot vacuum, not basset hound, but the canvas was over 1,000 sq feet of hardwood floor). As someone who regularly fosters stray animals that invariably bring a wide assortment of parasitic infections that create the terrible 'paint' in which Banjos and robot vacuums take delight, you have my deepest respect for having endured this and still written it up as a comedic tale for others to enjoy.
There's a nice benefit to a robot. You can murder it and not feel bad or, ya know, go to prison.
Fair point! Though I will say the robot vacuum is somewhat Dennis's baby so I would have had to answer to him had I murdered it.
And I admit that it was tedious cleaning the robot, but nothing compared to wrangling a poop-soaked hound.
My son, while still in high school, had friends over to my new house for a party while I was out for the evening. When I returned home, he was vacuuming in the bathroom around the bathtub where the floor was covered in red carpet. "What happened?" I asked, and his friends headed in different directions away from me. "My buddy drank too much and got sick so I'm trying to clean it up." OMG! Yes, with my new vacuum in my two week old house that I just had built. I couldn't even explain to him why a vacuum was the worst possible item to clean the floor in this situation! It was strangely humorous...but mostly disgusting. Thank God I had been out and had a few drinks myself, so most of the funny probably saved my son's life that night.
I would have loved to hear the dialogue that led to the vacuum decision.
Barf!!!
Bahahahahaha!
You do know that if the kid HAD barfed, Banjo would have eaten that, too. Thanks for the MUCH needed laugh.
I absolutely know that. Banjo is indiscriminate in his bad decisions.
Banjo! What was he thinking? Or not thinking. I hope you can laugh about it now-- along with your readers. True dog humor.
I think something similar happened to my friend who once watched our springer spaniel when we went out of town. Diane had 2 "foofy" dogs (petite and dainty.) When we picked up Apollo Diane mentioned a rainy, muddy day and that Apollo went outside, squeezing thru the foofy doggy door and when he came back inside, thru the doggy door, he ran around the house excitedly. As Diane explained it to me, "I forgot he was a spaniel."
Wow. That's a test of the boundaries of friendship.
She hasn’t watched him since.
Tell her I said that she needs to work on herself.
My youngest got a dog a few months ago. Unfortunately, the dog currently has a parasite infection, which means he's pooping and barfing all over the place. As my son put it, when you walk a dog in NYC, you have no idea if your dog just sniffed a pile of leaves or scarfed down three cigarette butts.
In closing, I'm glad I'm not him and even gladder I'm not you.
I adore New York, but I can only imagine the things a dog gets into on those city streets. Ugh.
I thought I was going to get a reference to a water weenie but I’ll settle for every other hilarious bit of this. Amazing-
Honestly, I was racking my brain. I had the memory, my friends and me in the 5th grade at Wild Rivers, trying to hold onto a water weenie. Every time we lost the grip and it slipped onto the concrete, we laughed like we were at a Richard Pryor set. I couldn't remember what it was called... First, the weenie slips, then your mind.
Note: Whoever owns Water Weenie, consider this a copyright on that last sentence--you know it would make those weenies fly off the shelves...er, out of the Amazon warehouses.
I loved this you have the best way of painting your words with pictures, which is a real talent and so appreciated. This took me away from reality for enough time that I almost feel human again, until I realize I'm still in this same dark cloud that won't let me go. Thanks for shining the light thru the darkness. I'm sitting at my computer in Cincinnati, looking into the freezing tundra and slippery snow drifts built like igloos all around me. This story actually made me feel colder and I realize the computer room is the coldest in this house. It always takes me a few hours to thaw out when I try to stand and head for the kitchen or anywhere inside that is at least 10 degrees warmer than the computer room. Now I feel like I need a hot bath to take away some of the ice flowing in my body, along with the smell that came from your story. Thanks, Norm, for all of this. It is a great distraction and reminds me things could be worse than me heading for a fire while you are trying to stay away from one. God Bless, my friend.
Honored to be a distraction. God bless you right back!
Love this one! I mostly love it because it wasn't happening to me, which it usually does. My Pom just had a bout of something that led to uncontrolable wall painting and a stench that could end wars.
I really love it because it had me laughing out loud, and in a NYC subway that can be dangerous. However, it all worked out, everybody thought I was bat-shit crazy and wanted to be my friend. So, Win/Win.
"...a stench that could end wars." Love that one, but be careful--Trump might draft your Pom to end the war in Ukraine.
I'm fairly certain most of my friends are my friends because our bat-shit craziness overlaps. ;)
Thanks for this. Love to know when I can get someone to laugh out loud off the page.
The summer is not so much of a problem because the dogs love to take it outside anyway. But I have not figured out winter yet.
“Here comes stupid” should absolutely be the name of your next best seller! Love this story. Your pain was palpable. Glad ya’ll survived my friend. Way to man up Sammers.
I do like that title. Hmmm... The wheels are turning...
Great story. Reminds me of when my Great Dane got sprayed by a skunk. EWWWW!
Ooh, that's rough. I've heard it takes weeks to get the skunk smell under control. And a Dane is so big, I'd imagine it's a lot more surface area for absorbing the odor.
More like months!
Yep and valuable lesson don’t wash the old towels you use just throw them away lol my whole laundry room smelled like skunk after I washed the towels in warm water. lol!
Sage wisdom.
I laughed so much I forgot I have problems! Your pets have the best names outside of a Walter Mosley novel. I'm considering getting some kind of animal just so I can name it Pastrami Crawford. Thanks for the laughs!
Ooh, I haven't read any Walter Mosley. I'll add him to the queue. Also, please name an animal Pastrami Crawford! That would be a joy bomb for me. And I hope the laughs not only made you forget your problems but watered them down altogether.
Bahahahahaha, this was so funny!
*deep bows*