Conversation Pieces, Keepsakes, and Death Wishes

Not too long ago, my wife and I met with an estate planning attorney to get a draft on our last will and testament. It’s something I’d been looking forward to for a long time. It’s uncomfortable for some people, and I get it — it’s a morbid endeavor by design. But who says morbid has to be unpleasant?

Hitchhiking is a lost art form. So many missed storytelling opportunities now that it’s, ya know, illegal and likely to get you murdered.

I know that sounds like something Jeffery Dahmer might say, but as a storyteller, I love a good ending. Why not use a last will and testament to set up a rip-roarin’ final act, a dénouement that will impact your bereaved for the rest of their lives?

Below are some ideas that I’m still trying to get into my will because my wife has “some concerns.” I’m sharing them here in hopes that my readers will rally around some of these ideas so that I can actually bring them to life after my death.

The Permanent Bronzer

This is my ideal end game. I’d like my corpse to be cast in bronze. I could be seated, I could be standing, but honestly, the form is less important than the function. My wife and/or kids would then need to hire an engineer to turn my bronzed body into a lawn sprinkler (or a fountain). The water would spurt from my mouth and/or ears. I know some of you might be imagining other possibilities, but we’ll leave that to the Belgians.

The Belgians, always right on the nose.

Everyone dies, not everyone gets to become art. Added to that, I would get to play with my grandkids, great grandkids, etc. for generations to come. I imagine one of them complaining that he’s bored on a hot summer day, and his parents can say, “Go play with The General,” (The General is going to be my grandpa name.) and then he’ll attach the hose, and off I’ll go, my bronzed head swiveling, shooting water from my mouth and/or nose as my grandson squeals with delight. Picture it — it’s a god damn Norman Rockwell painting. But ya know, as a bronze sculpture.

Ink-credibly Post-Mortem

A while back I got a tattoo, a half sleeve on my upper right arm. I found an artist I liked and submitted an application. I couldn’t just walk into her shop; I had to apply with an idea. So I sent her a few quotes from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and she came up with a design that had a ship navigating a storm in sea serpent-infested waters. I loved it. I still love it. And I think it would be a pity to let it die with my body. The tattoo artist actually commented on that aspect of her craft — all of her tattoo art, she said, had a shelf life determined by the body wearing it.

While that’s a morbidly romantic idea, it isn’t entirely true. Someone else dreamt up an even more morbidly romantic idea. You can now have your tattooed skin posthumously removed, preserved, and framed as wall art. Of course, this means I’ll have to get another tattoo. I wouldn’t want my kids to fight over who gets the ship and the sea serpents. Sure, as teenagers they say they don’t want to hang my skin on their walls, but they’re young, and they have a long way to go to develop good taste.

Talking Tombstones

An Irishman died and used the opportunity to prank his mourners. As they lowered his coffin into the ground, a recording of his voice played: “Let me out! It’s fookin’ dark in here!” Genius. Also, selfless. The tears immediately turned to laughs.

Taking his lead, I’d like my gravestone to be immersive and interactive. Imagine a mourning family walking past my grave, triggering a motion sensor that plays my voice: “Hey folks! I need a favor. Get a shovel and a crowbar… and maybe some smelling salts if you got weak stomachs…”

Rest in Beats

My daughter’s friends have told her many times that her dad has good playlists. This is my fave compliment. Nothing makes me feel as good as when a person says something like, “Norm, you’re right. The Infamous Stringdusters’ cover of The Cure’s ‘Just Like Heaven’ is sublime! And Ray Charles’ ‘Careless Love’ might be the sexiest song ever recorded. Your music curation is top fucking shelf!” I mean, I basically hear it all the time.

So another option would be to have my cremains pressed into vinyl. If any of you have seen Joel Schumacher’s The Lost Boys, you’re probably hearing that classic Corey Haim line, “Death by Stereo!” But I suppose this would be “Death in Stereo.” The challenge here would be deciding on the final — and I mean final — playlist. Gotta have Tom Waits, Lucius, Amigo the Devil, The Grateful Dead, Johnny Cash, Gov’t Mule, N.W.A., Steve Earle… Probably gonna have to be a double album.

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Thanks for reading, subscribing, and sharing. Drop me a comment below, ideally something that will convince my wife to sign off on this little morbid brainstorm.

And please share with your people. I’m trying to grow this thing, and I’ll take all the help I can get. Nothing but love and gratitude for being my audience.